- Build Genuine Relationships -
Your international friends will appreciate not only your enthusiasm in the early stages of the relationship,
but also your efforts to continue the relationship long-term. What are some ideas for doing that?
but also your efforts to continue the relationship long-term. What are some ideas for doing that?
A common stereotype of Americans is that we make many shallow friendships, but few that go deep and last. While stereotypes are often misguided, they usually hold a hint (or more) of truth in them.
The international women with whom you develop friendships will most likely have this stereotype in the back of their minds, too. Although most will respond with enthusiasm as you reach out to them, some will not. Among the latter, some will be shy, afraid their English isn’t good enough, or even skeptical of your motives. Some may prefer to use the excuse of “busyness” to avoid opening up and sharing themselves.
If any of these scenarios are true in relationships you’re seeking to develop with international women, do your best to assure each that you are motivated out of sincere love and interest. If you are also shy, share in simple language about a time when you were forced to overcome that shyness – and what a difference it has made. If you have had experience living overseas yourself, you can share your own struggles with language and culture challenges, etc.
You cannot “make” a relationship happen if one side is unwilling, but you can initiate and welcome. If, after repeated attempts to reach out, a woman does not respond, back off but let her know you are always willing and available – and make sure she has information on how to contact you.
The best way to get a genuine friend is to be one. While you may play a “mentor” type of role in your international friend’s life, remember that she also has much to contribute to the relationship as well. Try to view the friendship as one of equals even if there is an age difference. But recognize also that in most cultures, age brings with it the mantle of wisdom and respect.
There is much we can learn from international women. Ask good questions to find out who your international friend really is, what and how she thinks, what she struggles with, and what her hopes and dreams are. As you share your lives and experiences, your relationship will deepen and pave the way for a long-lasting friendship.
The international women with whom you develop friendships will most likely have this stereotype in the back of their minds, too. Although most will respond with enthusiasm as you reach out to them, some will not. Among the latter, some will be shy, afraid their English isn’t good enough, or even skeptical of your motives. Some may prefer to use the excuse of “busyness” to avoid opening up and sharing themselves.
If any of these scenarios are true in relationships you’re seeking to develop with international women, do your best to assure each that you are motivated out of sincere love and interest. If you are also shy, share in simple language about a time when you were forced to overcome that shyness – and what a difference it has made. If you have had experience living overseas yourself, you can share your own struggles with language and culture challenges, etc.
You cannot “make” a relationship happen if one side is unwilling, but you can initiate and welcome. If, after repeated attempts to reach out, a woman does not respond, back off but let her know you are always willing and available – and make sure she has information on how to contact you.
The best way to get a genuine friend is to be one. While you may play a “mentor” type of role in your international friend’s life, remember that she also has much to contribute to the relationship as well. Try to view the friendship as one of equals even if there is an age difference. But recognize also that in most cultures, age brings with it the mantle of wisdom and respect.
There is much we can learn from international women. Ask good questions to find out who your international friend really is, what and how she thinks, what she struggles with, and what her hopes and dreams are. As you share your lives and experiences, your relationship will deepen and pave the way for a long-lasting friendship.
- Bridge Cultures -
What are some keys to bridging the culture gap between you and your international friend(s)?
Perhaps you'll discover you have more in common than you think...
Perhaps you'll discover you have more in common than you think...
“Walk in love, just as Christ also loved you” -- (Ephesians 5:2, NASB)
The basis for bridging the cultural gap is simply an attitude of love! Women are women worldwide and in every culture. We have the same needs, desires, joys, and pains. We face the same challenges. We are all concerned about our marriages and children or the desire to be married and have children!
We have far more in common with international women than what separates us!
Certainly, there are cultural differences. Here are some distinctions between Western and Non-Western Values:
The basis for bridging the cultural gap is simply an attitude of love! Women are women worldwide and in every culture. We have the same needs, desires, joys, and pains. We face the same challenges. We are all concerned about our marriages and children or the desire to be married and have children!
We have far more in common with international women than what separates us!
Certainly, there are cultural differences. Here are some distinctions between Western and Non-Western Values:
Western Values • Non-Western Values
Nuclear Family • Extended Family
Individualism • Group Orientation
Youth • Age and Wisdom
Directness • Indirectness
Control over the Future • Fate has determined Future
Achievement • People more Important
Secularization • Religion and Culture are One
Nuclear Family • Extended Family
Individualism • Group Orientation
Youth • Age and Wisdom
Directness • Indirectness
Control over the Future • Fate has determined Future
Achievement • People more Important
Secularization • Religion and Culture are One
Religion (especially since religion and culture are one in most cultures) will play a large role in a woman’s worldview, sense of freedom, and autonomy. Check out ISI’s resources on understanding world religions. Realize, too, that many women come with a secularized point of view and most are eager to learn about our culture and Christianity.
- Understand Loneliness -
Loneliness is a very real and common experience for most international women who are far away from home.
How can you better understand it and offer genuine love, concern and comfort?
How can you better understand it and offer genuine love, concern and comfort?
When anyone is away from home and in the land of the unfamiliar for an extended time, it is natural to go through many different stages. A general pattern of what an international woman may go through can be found in the Cultural Adjustment Stages Graph, a downloadable PDF available to you.
Even with these general stages, each woman will differ in the timing of the stages, as well as their length and intensity. Some of the factors that influence how a woman will “travel” through her season of life abroad include:
Do your best to discern these factors in your international friend, especially if she seems to be lonely or isolated from others. Try to understand whether her loneliness is more a result of her specific cultural-adjustment stage or if it is the symptom of deeper issues.
Take time to really understand what she is going through. Always make sure to ask her at the end of the times you spend together if you can pray for her, and then do so. Very few people refuse prayer no matter what their religious or cultural background.
If the situation becomes too big for you, first share confidentially with another leadership team member who will help to pray for the woman. Perhaps you can find a Christian international student who has gone through similar challenges and can walk alongside her. If you feel your international friend's challenges are deep, encourage her to get appropriate help and do your best to head her in the direction of a respected Christian professional in your area. If none exists, go online and see what other resources might be available.
The key here is to recognize that loneliness at various stages of living abroad is a common part of the experience. It is natural that your friend will miss home while she is abroad, but will miss her adopted home abroad when she is back in her home country. Do your best to help her understand the process and then “walk with her” through it as best as you can.
In addition to the other factors causing loneliness, international women may be in abusive situations which increase their feelings of isolation. You may find these resources regarding domestic violence/abuse and reporting abuse helpful as you assist international friends.
If you have international women who are struggling with depression, it is helpful to:
Even with these general stages, each woman will differ in the timing of the stages, as well as their length and intensity. Some of the factors that influence how a woman will “travel” through her season of life abroad include:
- Her own temperament
- Her specific situation – is she single, married, desiring to be married, with children, desiring children
- Whether she herself is the reason for being abroad (i.e., she’s a student), or her husband is the reason they came
- Her educational and professional background
- Her level of English before arriving
- Her experience outside of her country
- Financial pressures
- Emotional pressures
- Health and physical issues
- The situation back home
- Her relationship with her spouse (if here with her or not)
- Expectations placed on her by a sponsoring group
- Her own expectations
Do your best to discern these factors in your international friend, especially if she seems to be lonely or isolated from others. Try to understand whether her loneliness is more a result of her specific cultural-adjustment stage or if it is the symptom of deeper issues.
Take time to really understand what she is going through. Always make sure to ask her at the end of the times you spend together if you can pray for her, and then do so. Very few people refuse prayer no matter what their religious or cultural background.
If the situation becomes too big for you, first share confidentially with another leadership team member who will help to pray for the woman. Perhaps you can find a Christian international student who has gone through similar challenges and can walk alongside her. If you feel your international friend's challenges are deep, encourage her to get appropriate help and do your best to head her in the direction of a respected Christian professional in your area. If none exists, go online and see what other resources might be available.
The key here is to recognize that loneliness at various stages of living abroad is a common part of the experience. It is natural that your friend will miss home while she is abroad, but will miss her adopted home abroad when she is back in her home country. Do your best to help her understand the process and then “walk with her” through it as best as you can.
In addition to the other factors causing loneliness, international women may be in abusive situations which increase their feelings of isolation. You may find these resources regarding domestic violence/abuse and reporting abuse helpful as you assist international friends.
If you have international women who are struggling with depression, it is helpful to:
- Know Yourself: Take stock of your own life first. How are you doing in coping with your own stress?
- Know your Friend: What are the causes of the stress/depression? Are their steps you can help your friend take like engaging with others, talking through her challenges, or simply changing some habits?
- Know when to refer: Often, by the time you realize there’s an issue, professional help is needed. Have a list of trusted counselors to which you can refer friends when needed.
- Listen Well & Ask Good Questions -
Developing your listening skills will go a long way in communicating your genuine interest in your international friend.
So will asking well-thought questions. Combining these two, you will also be able to better discern where she
stands spiritually.
So will asking well-thought questions. Combining these two, you will also be able to better discern where she
stands spiritually.
Each of us likes to talk, to share our joys and pains, to know that someone cares and is interested in ME! We also like to tell what we know about life, current events, and the truth about the Lord.
The quickest way to someone’s heart is not talking, but LISTENING! Cultivate this skill, waiting patiently and kindly as others share their lives with you. You’ll be amazed at how quickly doors of relationship open for deepening relationships.
Caring opens the door to sharing!
The quickest way to someone’s heart is not talking, but LISTENING! Cultivate this skill, waiting patiently and kindly as others share their lives with you. You’ll be amazed at how quickly doors of relationship open for deepening relationships.
Caring opens the door to sharing!
Ask Good Questions
Here are some questions that will get you started:
- Did you grow up with a large family? What about your extended family? Are you close to your parents? siblings? Do you have any pictures?
- Tell me about your hometown? Is it somewhere that you plan to spend the rest of your life? What type of home did you grow up in?
- What do your parents do for a living? Are you close to them?
- What do you miss most about your home and family?
- What are you (or your husband) studying here? What education did you have before you came?
- How did you meet your husband? What do you love about him? What are the “rules of dating” in your culture?
- What are your dreams for the future?
- Tell me something about your religion that is important to you. Do you believe the same things your parents believe?
- What is your perception of Christianity?